Reading through the highlights of the released excerpts of the wiretaps carried out on the office of the Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, it seemed that no matter how corrupt, a politician would not possibly be so careless with the words he speaks over the phone.
Picturing Blago in his office was impossible for me to do. I kept seeing a well-coiffed Darrell Hammond performing the opening skit of Saturday Night Live (SNL), just waiting for him to look directly into the camera and declare, well, that, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
No, Blagojevich couldn’t be saying such things — surely he was not so naive as to think that both no one else was listening and that no one would talk. Shaking down people for $500,000 or $1 million to be named to a U.S. Senate seat isn’t going to cause some hurt feeling among those who lose the bid? And they’ll all keep their mouths closed because they owe you something? Oh, that’s right, Rod, f*** them!
So I could not help myself from wondering whether or not SNL would be featuring Mr. Hammond or another of their many capable cast members as Blagojevich (whose other names, for those of you unaware, include: Blago, G-Rod, and now, G-Fraud). Hammond seems perfectly able to take on this persona, taking on both Bill Clinton and Al Gore characters perfectly, for example.
But then the problem of how to mimic this situation. The conversations Blago was having are already so ridiculous, it became difficult for me to imagine just how SNL would make it sound even more ludicrous. Not that I doubt their abilities; they were always able to take their George W. Bush skits a step further than Bush himself would (although it seems likely that Bush began to get competitive with SNL on this point). But Tina Fey had trouble at times adding more than a wink and flip of the hair more than the actual Sarah Palin; some of her mock interviews were almost dead-on with the actual Palin interviews. That’s not a jab at Fey, mind you — ridiculous is ridiculous and sometimes just adding an extra comment or two to the original can be comedic enough.
Not that I’m a writer for SNL but if they’re looking for pointers, I have given this some thought and have some advice. I would say keep it simple: a montage of Blagojevich conversations that morphs his name and his affinity for telling people to “f*** off,” “f*** them” and other such intonations would do just the trick. Let’s imagine some of the conversations that may have been:
Here’s what I’m envisioning:
Montage Scene 1:
“One Year Ago”
Hammond, playing Governor Goblowjyourvselfch (camera zooms out from nameplate) at his desk, coiffing his hair, using a hand mirror. Phone rings.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Hello, this is Governor Goblowjyourvselfch.
(camera split-screens to show Bill Hader, as Elliot Spitzer, in his office)
Spitzer: Blago, it’s Spitzo.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Heya, Spitz, how’s it going?
Spitzer: Not bad. Listen, I got this sweet hookup of high-end prostitutes; you uhhh, interested?
Goblowjyourvselfch: Welllll, actually, I’m getting it pretty good here, and have a certain hookup myself that I’m looking forward to at the next governors’ convention.
Spitzer: Aww, c’mon, they’ll give me an extra good deal if I bring in another customer.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Sounds like a pyramid scheme, Spitz! I told you last time, Goblowjyourvselfch! (With a grin). Get out of my, uhh, hair (fluffs his coif), I have, uhhh, governing my state to attend to, and you ought to do the same.
Spitzer: Okay, but you’re really missing out. Bye now, Blago.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Yeah, Blagch (pronounced as closely to, “f***” as possible) off! (smiles mischievously in amusement).
Montage Scene 2:
“Three Months Later”
(Goblowjyourvselfch, in his office, when the phone rings.)
Goblowjyourvselfch: Hello, this is Governor Goblowjyourvselfch.
(Camera split-screen’s again, revealing Elliot Spitzer, with his infamous shame frown).
Spitzer: Rod? It’s Spitzer.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Yeah, I saw you on the news, is everything alright?
Spitzer: No, I’m afraid they’ve caught me in my own web of deceit. And they’re going to get you too.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Haha, no, I’m afraid I’ve only been Blagchin’ at home, Spitz. And while she’s high-end, high-maintenance, she’s my wife — it’s perfectly legal.
Spitzer: But all of these phone calls regarding this; they have to have known. Lisitened in or something.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Yeh, Blagch off, Spitz! You’re not taking me down with you. Remember, I turned you down! And anyway, nobody would dare wiretap me — they know how hard I’m blagch ‘em over.
Spitzer: You gotta help me, Rod!
Goblowjyourvselfch: I don’t help anybody unless there’s money to be made. I want to make money.
Montage Scene 3:
“Three Months Later”
(Goblowjyourvselfch, again, in his office, coiffing his hair again. The phone rings.)
Goblowjyourvselfch: Hello, this is Governor Goblowjyourvselfch.
(camera split-screens to reveal Tina Fey as Sarah Palin).
Sarah Palin: Hello, Rodney. Do you know who this is?
Goblowjyourvselfch: It could only be Miss Sarah Palin of Alaska; how are you, governor?
Palin: Ohhh, I don’t knowwww. Been thinkin’ aboutcha, Rodney (flips hair, and winks).
Goblowjyourvselfch: Oh, I bet you have (smiling). And remember, it’s, “Milorad,” not, “Rodney.”
Palin: That’s right. Such a, rad name! Looking forward to the upcoming governor’s convention?
Goblowjyourvselfch: Yeah, and I was also thinking I would attend when you and your Republican counterparts meet separately, as a sign of bipartisanship, you understand (smiling mischievously).
Palin: Oh, that is so kinky, Governor. I had no idea that you were “bi”. Ohhhh, my pastor would neeever approve! This is SOOO hot! Maybe we can bring ol’ Spitz into our triangle.
Goblowjyourvselfch: NO!
Palin: Well, uhh, can I look forward to facing you in Presidential debates in 2016? That could breed some pretty good tension.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Before then, you ought to look forward to going face to face with my, uhhh… hold on, Sarah.
(In storms Patti Goblowjyourvselfch, played by Kristen Wiig).
Patti: Rod! Are you talking to that that blagchin’ wench from Alaska, Para Sailin’?
Goblowjyourvselfch: Patti! This is official business and her name is Sarah Palin. I wish you would get that straight.
Patti: Well I just got off the phone with Pat Fitzgerald, who played back a portion of you and Sailin’s conversation — I heard it all! He’s had a wiretap on your phone for months!
Goblowjyourvselfch: Fitzgerald? Wiretap? HAHAHA, yeah, right. He wishes. Blagch him. Blagch all of them. They can royally Blagch off!
Patti: Oh yeah, this is getting blagchin’ hot! Blagch me right here and call Para back up so she can hear it!
Goblowjyourvselfch: Oh, Patti! You know, it’s Sarah!
Patti: Whatever! Just blagch me!
Montage Scene 4:
“Three Months Ago”
(At the Goblowjyourvselfch breakfast table)
Goblowjyourvselfch: Patti, it looks more and more like Obama is going to win, meaning I will get to name his Senate replacement.
Patti: Blagch yeah! How much are you going to ask for it?
Goblowjyourvselfch: I haven’t decided yet. It’s going to be fun to watch the bids come in, though.
Patti: Yeah, well you keep promising me the world, a nice house in Barrington with rolling meadows.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Well, which do you want, Barrington or Rolling Meadows?
Patti: I said Barrington! With rolling meadows.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Whatever, Patti, why don’t you Goblowjyourvselfch!? You’re gonna have to get another job if you think we can afford your lifestyle and a home in Barrington!
Patti: I blagchin’ told you to arrange for that.
Goblowjyourvselfch: Careful what you wish for… I could get you a few. Maybe more than you really would want.
Patti: Careful what you wish for, or you’ll be Jablowingyourownself.
(Both tilt their heads back in a roar of ironic laughter).
Montage Scene 5:
“Tuesday, December 9, 2008″
(Several FBI Agents are outside of the Goblowjyourvselfch home and one knocks on the door. Goblowjyourvselfch opens the door.)
Goblowjyourvselfch: Oh, you have got to be blagchin’ kidding me! Live, From New York, It’s Saturday Night!
